Walking into my bathroom this morning and seeing a wee bowl of water and cotton on the sink made me feel like I had jumped back in time to when my boys were newborns. The reality was far from the truth and nowhere near as sweet - the household was currently passing conjunctivitis back and forth between my masses of children 😆
But there was something profound in the air as I explained to Joey that I was going to clean the goop and crust 🤢and the actual cleaning of the goop and crust.🤮
He was able to understand that what I was about to do was uncomfortable but would help him sleep better in the grand scheme of things. It showed me just how much and how fast he is growing up and my heart broke just a little that he can’t stay small forever.🥺
I finished up and climbed into my bed beside him and scooped him into the crook of my arm and he grabbed a fistful of my hair in one hand (as is mandatory for him it seems) and held my hand with his other… The peace I felt in the next moments were so wonderful. I just lay there and marvelled at my wee cuddly boy for a while.
I’m so quick to jump onto the next fire and not take in the now. Something I feel guilty about from when they were newborns, like I didn’t take it in enough or commit enough to my memory. I really want to change this - I feel as though I’m lurching from one daily task to the other over and over to stay above water rather than leaning backwards into it and floating peacefully. It’s an age old, common issue for parents, but I need to focus on it and change it. I have no idea how but I’ll keep you all posted.
Joey has always been a mummy’s boy - stuck to my hip and looking for reassurance a fair amount. Although he looks like his dad he acts very much very like me. Cautious, emotionally needy and considerate. He would proudly declare he is “Mummy’s boy” at the top of his lungs and damn anyone who thought it was silly.
However…Recently, he’s saying he’s a daddy’s boy and don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they have such a good bond that this can be the case… But…
Am I comfortable with it?
No.
Am I happy about it?
No.
Am I happy for Ian?
No, but only because Ian likes to ask him who’s boy he is and he proudly declares Daddy now. Payback for the times that came before.
Even when Ian pops out to the shop Joey can be more than a little upset and even magic hugs don’t fix it right away. It was once easy to dispel the sadness and distract him but I really have to take time out to explain and console him!
It’s got me wondering if I need to book a night away at a nearby hotel, get some work done, have a decent nights uninterrupted sleep and come back and see if that brings him back to the Mummy’s boy dark side 😆
I knew it bothered me but I didn’t know how deeply. I can laugh about it but when I look at my feelings a little closer my need to be needed hurts, more than I expected it to. I know he still needs me but he was proudly choosing me over everyone else, something I haven’t experienced all that often throughout my life.
I wonder if being a step-mum also plays into it those feelings as although I parent the kids full time they are always going to prefer time with daddy which is totally understandable!
However, one thing I can rely on, at least for now, is that at bedtime and through the night he still looks for me. I’m still the only one who can provide that reassurance for him. In the night he used to cry in his bed for one of us to come get him but now he comes toddling through himself and seeks me out. Before bed he will always choose me to fall asleep on (this could be something to do with the fact Ian doesn’t have long flowing locks for him to tie into knots but we will skirt past that possible reasoning).
The day that changes please send someone to check on me because I will not be ok 🤣
I’m sure things will come back around eventually. I am waiting eagerly!
For now I’m going to sign off and remind you that if anything here resonates with you then you are not alone and I’m always here if you want to chat. I’ve been told I am a good friend and I know when I am going through these times I needed a friend and motherhood can be lonely af so please talk to someone you know. If that feels too much you can talk to someone you don’t know, no judgement -
@ginidunwell on Insta or
Leave a wee comment or ❤️ below and I’ll reach out.
Thank you for reading 🤎
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