This is a long one so grab a wine and some snacks and get comfy. It’s a story time blog but there is an important message I want to share at the end.
Covid had a profound effect on each and every person on this planet. I have always felt like one of the lucky ones, in my head how it affected me could have been so much worse. After all, it didn’t take anyone close to me, at least not directly.
However, I’ve come to realise that it did take a lot of other things from me and from many other people. These days, I feel that not acknowledging or speaking about them is doing myself and others a disservice.
I got pregnant for the first time immediately before the first 2020 lockdown started and took my first test (pregnancy, not Covid) just after everything was cut off. I was living in a different city to my boyfriend at the time and we were then separated for most of my pregnancy. I was alone and broke the news to Ian over the phone… I didn’t get to tell my family I was adding to our clan in person, it was through a group FaceTime… I’m thankful for the technology that allowed at least that much to be done but missing out on telling them and hugging and crying and laughing was very sad for me.
I was put on furlough at my job to add to the isolated feelings. And so began a very lonely pregnancy, Ian did come down to visit as often as he could but it’s still not the situation either of us would have preferred.
⬅ I still remember the first time he walked in my front door after he found out, I was so nervous and happy but there was always a little niggling feeling at the back of my mind that things were not as they were supposed to be.
So, there were no cute gender reveals, no baby showers. Heck, even when I was going into labour Ian was only allowed to be there for a couple of hours a day while I was induced. There was a young gal in the only bed allowed in the same room, as far away as possible who was having a bad reaction to her induction method and no one could comfort her properly and it really broke my heart.
And don’t even get me started on the wearing masks during the induction process…
Even after Joey arrived in the world Ian only got to see us both for two hours as the third lockdown had begun. All the curtains in the ward had to be shut so I couldn’t even chat to the other Mama’s in the beds around me without raising my voice enough to be heard through thick curtains and masks.
Even after we got home the hospital these Covid robberies continued. Part of our family caught Corona and it meant they couldn’t come to meet their new family member. I’ll never forget how sad it was when Lyndsay came to our window to meet her nephew and she couldn’t hold him or even come in the house. We were all so emotional.
Then came months of living in fear of passing Covid to a newborn baby and all the stress that added to the experience. No baby groups, no Mama friends, no socialisation. Even now I’m so thankful that my best friend was pregnant at the same time as me so I at least had someone who understood. I had no postpartum care - I just had to hope my stitches healed properly and hope Joey was on the right track for his development for the most part.
These things are heartache of a different kind, but still caused by one of the most crazy and unimaginable things we have gone through in our lifetime. The dreams I had of what it was like to be pregnant and have a baby ended up being so so different and no one could have seen it coming. It’s a weird form of loss, to have an idea in your head of how something is going to be and it not turn out that way. I love being Joey’s mum and of course I’m thankful I could have him. But it doesn’t mean that the pain I mentioned here isn’t valid either. I can talk about it and should, for all the other people who felt they missed out on their dream.
Fast forward about five months and this crazy bitch got pregnant again! However, things in the world were less crazy and things were starting to go back to normal and I thought ‘Yay! Things should be better this time!’ But alas, I was wrong, as always!
First hurdle was figuring out if it was safe to be taking Covid vaccines while pregnant. It was stressful as this vaccine was thrown out so quickly that I was unsure what the effects on baby would be. I had to just trust that our government wouldn’t put out a vaccine that wasn’t safe. But any mum knows that trusting your baby’s wellbeing to anyone but yourself never sits right.
My pregnancy wasn’t lonely this time as I had moved in with Ian and we had the four kids to take care of. It was brutal going from a pregnancy by myself to a pregnancy and looking after four kids 😮💨 The trouble didn’t start until month 8, right around Christmas time. On Christmas eve Covid was caught in our household and although it was inconvenient, the world was starting to learn to live with it as part of normal life so we didn’t think much of it. We also had a few weeks left until baby was due so 🤷🏽♀️
On January 1st I started getting contractions. I was determined to cross my legs and demand baby stay put until his due date. Not only because the thought of having a birthday so close to Christmas and New Year was yucky but because Ian had just caught Covid. I kept my mouth shut about my early contractions for 12 hours, unwilling to believe Ian would miss the baby being born all together. At 2am on the 2nd I admitted defeat and started packing my hospital bag (yes, I know… I left that waaay too late) and woke Ian up to tell him the news.
Again, this moment should have been joyous and exciting! But to be honest, all I felt was sad as I knew I’d have to give birth alone which ended up being worse than the situation with Joey. But I’m a tough old cookie and as luck would have it my Mother-in-law is a Carer and so was allowed in with me due to their rigorous Covid testing schedule. I had Leo at 10.30am and was home again before dinner as I couldn’t stand being in the hospital knowing Ian hadn’t met his son yet.
We arrived at Nana’s house with everyone gathered in the kitchen to meet the baby, as is tradition and 12th grandchild wasn’t gonna break it! Everyone was in the kitchen excitedly waiting, faces covered with masks… bar Ian who had to stand in the conservatory isolated from everyone. To stop everyone catching Covid they had to have a cuddle first before we headed home to our little Newborn/Covid bubble.
I will NEVER forget walking in and locking eyes with him through the glass doors as I passed his new son to everyone else to cuddle. I don’t know how it was for Ian but I was devastated. It must have been awful watching everyone else get to cuddle your boy while you look on.
Yet another thing Covid took.
This is a very bleak blog and for that I’m sorry. But my message is this - It’s ok to be annoyed and upset that all of these things were taken. Pain shouldn’t be measured in comparisons. Yes, so many people suffered and lost loved ones and had their health damaged permanently. Yes, the things I’ve mentioned here are small in comparison. But they are still painful for me and for the Mamas out there who went through some or all of the things I’ve talked about here. And we shouldn’t feel bad to talk about them.
We should be compassionate for any times people feel sad, alone or feel the emotion of loss.
Covid changed EVERYTHING for EVERYONE.
I think I'm going to leave it at that... for now. Thank you all so much if you got this far, it was an emotional one!
Don't forget to get in touch, either here or Instagram, or send to a friend who had babies in Covid. 🤎
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