I have found over the years that in times when I have felt down/low/depressed/anxious some, if not all, of my close friends have pulled away from me. I'm unsure of the reasons as I often avoid conflict so I have never asked them why this is. All I can do is think of times the roles have been reversed and analyse how I felt or thought in those moments and I'm ashamed to say that there have been a couple times where I have pulled away from someone that probably actually needed me to pull them closer.
A few reasons can be:
🤷🏽♀️Some people genuinely don't know what to say and don't want to offend so they avoid the situation completely.
⚖️Sometimes people's own mental health is so rocky that they don't want to risk falling off into their own depressed rut.
😕Sometimes they pull away because they don't want a 'Debbie Downer' bringing down their highs.
These may be the reasons but none of them are right. If you are a good friend then you should realise if you haven't heard from someone in a while and the only acceptable reason to not reach out is because you yourself feel depressed too.
Most people do not want to feel like shit, there are the odd few who do, but generally most people want to feel good. So, when your friend feels low it means they have probably tried all the ways to get themselves out of the rut themselves and this may mean they need you to help lead them out of it.
Here are 6 ways to help a friend when they are down and depressed:
Reach out - This is the main one, even a wee weekly text to check in. How much effort does it take to type out "Hey, thinking about you, how are you?" and send it? Low effort and a massive effect for the person receiving this check in.
Ask & Listen - I would be direct and state that I know something is up and reassure them that no matter what it is you are there to help them. "I can tell there is something you have going on and you are not yourself. "Will you please talk to me about it? And how can I help?" 9/10 they won't know how you can help them but it serves as reassurance for them that you are there for them and that you want to help.
Show compassion and empathy - Be sure to do this without making the age old mistake of bringing the conversation back to your experience. A simple "I understand how you feel" is enough, unless your friend is struggling to put their feelings into words then by all means help away!
Plan mate-dates - Basic personal and household needs can be neglected when people feel down. A mate date could be your friend is struggling with, no matter how simple. When myself and one of my friends both felt low at the same time we actually had one day where we would go to each others house for a coffee (or a wine) and just have a bit of a tidy or clean of each others houses. Tasks are always easier when there is someone to share them with or chat to at the same time.
Encourage self care - If you notice they aren't eating or showering then popping in and saying "Right, you get ready and let's go out for a walk or to lunch." can go a long way. Even taking the decision or choice out of their hands can feel like a relief.
Distract - Sometimes people who feel depressed prefer chatting about what is going on in other peoples lives as it can give them a problem to solve and prevents them thinking of their own problems for a minute. It's always easier to help a friend than to help yourself! However, I would be sure to confirm with them first whether they feel up to hearing/helping with your problems as it may send them into emotional burnout and overwhelm.
Points to remember:
❗️Your friend is not trying to pull you down, they are trying to pull themselves out of the rut and often this cannot be done alone.
❗️Your friend doesn't want to burden you so may not open up even if you know its serious.
❗️You need to be proactive about reaching out because they won't be able to.
❗️When your friends feel depressed remember- they do not want to feel like shit.
And lastly, if you are reading this and you are the friend feeling low then please send me a DM @ginidunwell on Instagram and I will be there. No one should feel like nobody cares.
We do care, so let's chat.
♥️
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